Joining us to celebrate the Supreme Court 5-4 vote ruling of same-sex marriage as a constitutional right are reality TV stars Bert and Ernie, the lovable duo who have been out of the closet since 1969. The Friday decision to let LGBTQ couples marry was summed up by Justice Anthony M. Kennedy as “A no-brainer” adding “Divorce can really bolster our lagging economy.”
Unable to meet in person, I Skyped with Bert and Ernie at their 123 Sesame Street residence about the long-sought victory for marriage equality. Here is what those love-Muppet’s had to say:
Thank you both for taking the time to chat. Any plans for marriage now that the federal government recognizes you as human beings with real human emotions?
Bert: Yes, we’re gettin’ hitched in City Hall and headed straight to Brooklyn for our honeymoon. Ernie has never been.
Ernie: I don’t like leaving the city, although I did have to go to Staten Island once to visit my cousin Oscar and his girlfriend Patti. They had the best heroin South of 125th st.
Bert: Anywhere in the 5 boroughs, really. It drops you like a bag of dirt.
So where in Brooklyn are you two making your love nest?
Bert: Bed-Stuy. We have a thing for black guys. And Puerto Ricans, but we get that fix pretty regularly here in Alphabet City.
Ernie: Ménage à trois keep our relationship healthy and interesting. Trust me, there are only so many ways around the same pair of dicks.
As gay men, has this vote of recognition heightened your pride of being American?
Ernie: No, in a boring and melancholic way. I actually felt more proud when I learned a Canadian quarter worked as a subway token back in ’83. Oh, and when the World Wide Web came out and I could sit in the New York Public Library and type p-o-r-n and my wildest dreams came true. That’s pride, honey.
Bert: Ernie! Tell this so-called journalist the truth; we’re getting married largely for the gifts. And gift certificates, of course. Of which of course we’d get more if Ernie wasn’t sterile.
Ernie: I told you not to bring that up!
Bert: Nobody reads this shit, don’t worry.
Well I’m sure at least the editor reads this…I think. Anyway, what do you mean exactly by “sterile”?
Ernie: Well, we’ve been trying to have a baby for the last four decades but Bert’s boys can’t swim.
Bert: My boys can swim fine it’s just you have a barren wasteland of a womb.
Have you thought about adoption?
Bert: We still can’t decide between a Korean or West African, it depends largely on what Angelina Jolie and Madonna leave behind.
Ernie: And I don’t want sloppy seconds, so we’re basically stuck until one of those bitches kicks the bucket or a check bounces.
Bert: They’re not bitches they’re greedy child-hoarding whores!
Ok now, this is a family magazine, let’s keep it civilized.
Bert: Sorry about that Edie, we get carried away.
Ernie: To be honest I don’t know what Bert’s deal is with saving children, he was voted Miss. Hanger at last year’s Planned Parenthood annual gala. His crown read “YOU WON’T FEEL A THING,” and aint that the truth!
Bert, you there?
Ernie: She’s on the pot, got the squirts again.
“She?”…isn’t Bert a…
Ernie: Edie, this is how we fags talk. HE’S a SHE and HE tops from the bottom. You dig?
Ernie: Girl, I’ve lived through I think like three Popes and all of them haunt my psyche as I’m seconds from unloading a small pond of pearly whites. I’m just about ready to shoot and all I hear are the ghosts of unborn children screaming “God Hates Figs!” and I choke. Always in fig season, too. It really is upsetting, because we love figs.
Wow, so you have seasonal haunting by the Pontiff?
Bert: Ernie, what the fuck are you talking about?
Ernie: The weather. I never noticed this city is so muggy, LOL, anyway…
Bert: “LOL”? What the fuck does that mean? Lots of Love? Liver or Lamb? Licking on Lesbians?
Ernie: No meatball, it means laugh out loud.
Bert: But you didn’t actually laugh out loud.
Ernie: It’s an expression.
Bert: It’s stupid.
Ma’am, I have to ask you…
Bert: Ma’am? Who the fuck you calling a ma’am, fish taco?
Oh..umm, I thought…
Ernie: Bert, get a grip you pole smoker, she’s clearly menopausal!
Bert: You just call me a pole smoker? You’re one to talk, dick duster!
Girls, girls, you’re both pretty! Now, can we finish this interview? I’m running out of battery, so last question: What keeps you two together after all these years?
Ernie: Sex, drugs and in-house laundry.
To our friends, family and foes, HAPPY PRIDE! And remember three things: Drink lots of champagne, burn your gym membership card and most importantly, WEAR A RUBBER.